Close But No Cigar

Over the holiday I found myself in a not so festive funk and I just couldn't put my finger on why. Things at home were fine and it was nice spending time with my family. No...the problem was somewhere inside myself. It really had nothing to do with what was going on around me at all. I started to scan the blogs for something to help me diagnose the problem, when I ran across a blog by my dear SPF Yoovie.
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She had begun to lament about being stuck in place with her weight loss progress. It seems she was feeling the same way I was. Comfortably numb. As I read through her blog, and nodded my head in agreement with every bloody word, I remembered a time when I had felt this way once before. But before I get into that I need to explain something about me.

There has been many a time in my life where things have come to me very easily. Many of my talents seem to just be a part of who I am. With very little effort I have managed to develop those talents into mediocre brilliance. I throw my full weight behind things when I set my mind to them and then at some point I just stop. I get just far enough to be considered dangerous, but just kinda stay in that spot and never take it to the next level. there was a time when I wasn't like this though.

I can trace this very condition to one major event in my life. An unfinished act that I will never be able to rectify. It is a sad commentary on my failure to put the effort in and follow through, starting a trend that has plagued me my entire adult life. A tale of "almost but not quite" and one of my biggest regrets. Granted I was young, but it is still a regret.

When I was 8 years old my parents had the foresight to enroll me in the Boy Scouts of America program. It actually was pretty much the youth program for the young men in the church I was a part of as a kid. It was probably one of the best things to happen to my development and is partially responsible for helping to make me the man I am today.

Through the Scouting program I not only learned how to build a blazing fire with one match and old dryer lint, I also learned the value of hard work and setting goals. The very nature of the program is based on setting and achieving smaller goals in order to attain a larger, all encompassing one. The goal to become an Eagle Scout.

I began my scouting career, as most boys do, in the Cub Scouts. I took to the challenge like a duck to water. My passion for awards and tacky little badges grew into a full blown addiction. From the very beginning I was obsessed with getting every piece of ornamental pride that would fit on the royal blue cloth of my uniform. As a kid I was certainly driven to succeed.

Once a month I would stand with pride at our pack meetings, always up there getting something or other to pin on my moms lapel. That feeling of accomplishment and my neurosis for building the perfect Pinewood Derby car kept me going strong. Every challenge lobed at me I attacked with more gusto than was expected of a mere child.

I continued through the program advancing in rank at a blistering pace. Only my age limited me from getting too far ahead of myself. Soon I was 12 years old and ready to play with the big boys. My uniform changed color and a whole new set of possible achievements were laid out before me. I was in heaven! Immediately I got down to the task of filling my merit badge sash with the colorful little circles that shouted my deeds to the world.

Up until the age of 15 things went pretty well. I had advanced to the rank of Life Scout at an unheard of clip. getting that Eagle badge looked really promising. After all, I still had a couple more years before the cut off. Once you turn 18 you're no longer eligible to earn the award. I was encouraged by my leaders to push hard and become an Eagle Scout by the time I turned 16. It seems like a lot of pressure to throw on an adolescent boy, but it was for good reason. Two reasons actually. Perfume and gasoline. Statistically if a boy was not knocking on that door before the discovery of those two little items, the chances of him receiving Scouting's highest honor aren't real good. Girls and cars are the number one downfall of ambitious youth and I was no exception.

As my 16th birthday approached I had every requirement I needed to advance to the rank of Eagle Scout. I had every merit badge, put in my hours in the wilderness, held every leadership position a Scout could hold and had done my share of helping old ladies across the street. The only thing between me and that prestigious honor was the dreaded service project. Every scout I ever knew, that had gotten to this point, had always struggled with the service project. Whether they got their Eagle or not. That damned service project is a cruel mistress.

As I look back now and read all the requirements, it really isn't all that hard. I have tackled far more labor intensive projects in my professional adult life. But when your 16 you pretty much have the attention span of a gnat. Every little shiny thing sets you off in a different direction and I was ricocheting through my life like a bullet. The minute I got my drivers license I was hardly ever seen by my parents. My social life became the order of the day and of course the girls were my number one distraction.

Sure enough my leaders were right on the money. My 18th birthday would come and go and I would be branded with a term that, in scouting, is the equivalent of "close but no cigar." I would forever be strapped with the moniker of "Lifer for Life." For the rest of my days I will bear this cross and eternally kick myself in the ass for it. I will never have another opportunity to achieve what was so close so long ago.

As I look back at the last week and the feelings that have been swimming through my head, I could feel myself slipping to the dark side. I have had seriously hit the wall. Fortunately, I have my Spark Friends and this wonderful therapy called blogging to help me out of this funk. It's because of these two reasons that I have been able to identify the potential hazards that could keep me from seeing this weight loss thing through to the end. Two things I never had in my past efforts to shed the pounds. But there is still something missing.

Even though this little exercise has helped me out of my complacency, and inspired me to kick things up a notch, I still can't help but feel the sting of not being able to say that I earned the bragging rights of being an Eagle Scout. Now that I have the drive back that I had when I was a kid, I wish there was something I could do now, to feel the same sense of accomplishment had I finished the journey. I guess I will have to find something else to reach for and inspire me to greatness. But what? I seriously doubt a Nobel Prize is in my future. Just getting to my goal weight will be a great testament to finishing what I started. But it doesn't fill that void of saying I achieved what not many people have. Lots of people have lost weight. I need to find a challenge that goes beyond my every limit.

So for the next few days I am gonna stew on it and will hopefully have an answer by the new year. One thing is for sure, you all will be the first to know what it is. Stay tuned.