Still Open

In the city I live in there used to be several drive-in movie theaters. I remember as a kid seeing some of the classics on those big white screens, through a crackling speaker that hung precariously from the window. Kids sitting on top of the cars with pillows and blankets, while the parents desperately tried to recapture the glorious dating days of LBF (Life before kids).
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The playground was always full of kids running amuck with no supervision whatsoever. The snack bar was coated in the smell of cotton candy and buttered popcorn. People buzzed with the latest gossip while waiting in line to gorge themselves on the most calorie laden, sinfully delicious and completely void of nutrition food items on the planet.

The grounds were well kept, the bathrooms seemed shiny and new. Employees scampered about, tending to all manner of up keep and cleaning duties. It was a great place to socialize and and catch up on what Hollywood had to offer at that moment and time. Lots of memories to make and I looked forward to those outings with my family and friends.

Most of those cinematic institutions have long since closed down. Those big white screens and cultivated rows of metal poles with crackling boxes, all mowed down and the gossip of the day now discussed over DSL in chat rooms and forums on a global scale. An entire era all but destroyed by the march of time and progress. All but one.

As I was driving down the freeway this morning I glanced over at the last connection I had to those days of my youth. The only difference is that it has seen better days. For lack of a better words it looked derelict and abandoned. You would never know it was still a functioning theater. The only clue you have is a big yellow banner on the back of one of the screens that reads "STILL OPEN!" in big black letters.

After reading the sign and seeing the state of disrepair it was in, I could not help but think to myself "That is me." A person who is still alive and has a lot to give. A person who has memories to make and share. But one who has also neglected their outside appearance and looks like they have given up on life. And like that banner sometimes I want to shout to the world "Hey! Goddamn it! I am still here. I haven't given up! I am doing something to change my life!" That is what I am screaming on the inside. Unfortunately, the outside tells the world a different story.

Now that I am at a certain size it becomes difficult for me to rationalize my own worth sometimes. My ability to participate in the world has become seriously limited. I can't play sports or sit in a booth at a restaurant. Flying in planes is cramped and problematic. Roller coasters are a thing of the past for me and when I eat in public I can feel the judgment flying regardless if I am eating healthy or not. I hate to think of what would happen if I had to rush up flights of stairs to help my family get out of a burning building.

All that being said, I know that I am a worth while human being and for the most part I really don't give a crap about what people think. I think that maybe that is why I don't really give a crap about the way I look sometimes. I let my beard grow out and wear whatever I have that is clean without thought of style color or whether or not it even looks good on me. When I do this, I look 10 years older than I really am. Certainly not a statement that says, I care about myself. That has to change.

Now, I am on the right track. I am working on really starting to care about me and being around for years to come. But I need to show the world that I am a worth while person and that I do care about how I look. I don't need to hang that banner around my neck.

So unlike that poor little drive-in, I will make those much needed cosmetic repairs. While I work on the inside I will work on the outside. Not only to feel better about my journey, but to let the world know that I am a human being. Not a size.

That is what my banner will say from now on.