The Man in the Mirror

Yesterday was my weigh-in day. I am seven days into my new life and now ten pounds lighter. I know that realistically I have not lost ten pounds of fat. A lot of it was built up water that has been bloating me and giving me cankles for the last couple of months. A feeling that I no longer have by the way. As a matter of fact I feel like I have lost twenty pounds. I have more energy for sure and things are really starting to take hold. I was feeling really good, until last night.
Read More...

I was taking one of my blogs to heart and getting myself looking a little more presentable and human like. I dealt with the months of facial hair that had accumulated during the fat, bloated Jim Morrision phase of my not caring. This task doesn't take a significant amount of time or money and makes me look ten years younger. As they say, I clean up well.

I have my shirt off and I am wearing a wife beater, so I no longer have my protective armor on. I am exposed to the world in my natural state. No hiding under the black Dickies work shirt I wear everyday to keep the world from seeing this roll here or that roll there. A shirt that gives my body a more linear shape and evens out the lumps. hence the reason I own one for everyday of the week. Seriously, I must seem like a cartoon to people. I am always wearing the same thing everyday.

So, the clippers are buzzing away and my face is all lathered ready for me to scrape off months of self loathing. Things are going well, when all of the sudden I catch a glimpse of my protruding gut and Barry White sized love handles in the mirror. The ribbing of my wife beater being stretched in all directions showing every curve of my misshapen flesh.

At that very moment I died inside. This is what I really look like! I sure don't feel the way I look. I feel great. In my mind I am 20 pounds lighter and my keg is almost a two pack. I took pictures before I started this and I actually looked at them. I knew what I looked like when I started. But based on the way I felt inside, for some reason my mind was fooled into believing that something had physically changed. Stupid. I know. To think that I could see a shape change in my massive frame after only seven days? Wishful thinking for sure.

Well I have been here before. I have been this big and lost over 70 pounds. I know when things really start to change physically on the outside. I have seen it happen. I know exactly at what point in my weight loss this occurs. I know that there is a fair amount of unseen fat that gets lost before the stuff you DO see starts to melt away. My mind has already been conditioned to know that Rome wasn't built in a day and that It will be at least a year of consistent exercise and eating right before I achieve the results I want safely and permanently. I know that it took me 20 years to put it on and it ain't gonna go away in a week. I know all this. But the way I feel inside now compared to the way I felt a week ago? In my mind I am closer to my goal than the reality.

Why did I look in the mirror? I am too fragile right now to put myself through that. I could have kept my eyes focused on my face. I didn't need to look down. Why did my curiosity get the better of me? I guess the awesome feeling I had inside tricked my brain into thinking it was OK and that there would be this miraculous change. Well folks, not so.

Fortunately I HAD been here before. I had to do a lot of mental damage control and was able to keep my positive outlook from being a prisoner of this brutal war. I recited the oath that I took when I signed up for this battle.

Focus on how you feel. Not how you look.
Keep your dietary wits about you at all times.
Strive to learn as much as you can to help with the journey.
Find the positive in all things.
Keep your goals realistic.
Be diligent in the service to yourself.
When faced with a challenge you can't handle look to others for support.
Find ways to keep your self motivated and moving forward.
If you fall, get right back up.

Now, keeping yourself motivated is probably hardest for most of us. After all, doing anything for long periods of time can get old. The temptation to stray from the path can rear it's ugly head when you least expect it. That's why having boundries and rules for your self are so important.

For me it's not looking at my reflection from the neck down for at least six months or 50 pounds. Whichever comes first. This includes glancing at my profile while walking past store windows. It's taking a shower in the dark and always wearing my Dickies armor. This is what helps keep ME on track. I know what your thinking. But Tubby, showering in the dark?! As strange and disturbing as that may sound to some of you. Well it works for me.

So for now I will try to get this horrible incident out of my head and just focus on how I feel on the inside. I'm gonna listen to the scale and how my close fit. Stay focused on my diet and exercise routines and come to this place for as much support as possible.

I know I am not in this alone.