Don't Smoke 'em if You Got 'em

The other day was just one of those days. It was stressful and filled with thoughts of blah! It's been raining for the last 2 weeks straight, which makes us here in California very grumpy. Kinda throws your whole attitude off kilter. It left me feeling restless and out of sorts. Add to that the fact that I now have to move thanks to the great bubble burst of '08, and you can push my stress level up to defcon 20. Not being able to ride my bike to work or walk without getting drenched, for the past couple of weeks, got me good and ready to do something about it. In the past I would have resorted to cigarettes, booze and cheesecake to get myself to a more zen place. Not this time. The gym would be my best solution for coping with the pressure I was under.

The rush home from work to meet our friend for a real estate reality check, bumped my stress level up another notch. By the time I got home, I was ready for some sweatin'. I rushed to the bedroom to change into my gym clothes and strap on my new kicks. Like a kid waiting for Santa, I paced the house in anticipation of her arrival. The sooner she got here, the sooner I could go play! Caged rats are more relaxed than I was at this point. About drove my wife nuts.

Finally a knock came at the door! We ushered our Realtor friend in and got to the business of getting out from underneath this albatross of a house. She explained the deal with the short sale we were about to undertake and what to expect for the next month or so. She could see I had my gym cloths on and that I was in a hurry to escape to my new happy place. That place where the initial feeling of dread about exercising, gives way to an accelerated heart rate and beads of sweat stinging your eyes and running down your ass crack. I love that place now. So after signing a bunch of papers needed to save our credit and our dignity, I was out the door like a flash. I tried really hard to put everything that had built up to this day out of my mind. I wanted to make sure I had a good workout.

Now before I continue, I have to line this whole thing with a brutal truth. It's easy to sit here and say that this desire to exercise comes easily to me everyday, but I can't. The reality is that I struggle with it constantly. Nobody ever likes to do things that are hard and I am no exception. I don't care who you are. My instinct is to take the easiest route, whenever possible. Sometimes I really have to force myself to push past that feeling of anxiety and just do it. Ad slogans aside, it truly is a fight that I have with myself often. Not something you would expect to hear from a future Triathlete.

Despite this compulsion of having to get to the gym, I still needed to get myself pumped for what was to come. Getting in the car was a good start, but that didn't mean anything. I've gotten in the car before, completely intent on conquering the day and every thing on my "honey do" list, but never finishing what I had set out to do. This was no different. Just getting in the car was not enough. I had to commit myself to the task that got me speeding down the freeway in the first place. It's hard when there are so many other things I would rather be doing. What was to keep me from taking a different exit and going to have a couple of beers at the local watering hole? Or going to see the latest that Hollywood has to offer? Well in this case two things kept me from doing that. My need for stress relief and the fact that I was dressed like Sporty Spice. Not a look I like to rock at the bar. Seems contradictory to say the least. I have worked out buzzed before and it isn't fun. You would think so, but it's not.

So I managed to avoid what would surely turn into one too many, and walked triumphantly into the gym ready to work. At 7 pm it tends to be packed, thick with the smell of testosterone and the fragrance counter at Macy's. Because of that, there was a line of people waiting for the treadmills. My hopes of running were dashed for sure. No problem. That just meant today would be a cycling day. I bellied up to the nearest bike, tossed the earbuds in and set my iPod to the cardio mix I had carefully crafted for such an occasion. I was soon on my way to sweaty, heart pounding bliss.

Typically during workouts, my mind wanders to all kinds of places and thinks of all manner of random things. This one was no exception. With the minutes ticking away and a calorie burn in full effect, I began to have a very interesting thought about how I had arrived here and the fact that I managed to push past all the anxiety and dread of having to work out to find myself dealing with my stress in a health and productive way. A feeling never present in the past. I started to remember a time when I had pushed past the unpleasantness of something to have it become a habit. Much like my new found adoration for breaking a sweat.

Unfortunately it was not a time in my life or a decision that I am proud of. But it was an appropriate "Duh!" moment for me none the less. The analogy on this one will seem a bit off, but stay with me for a second. The habit I am speaking of is smoking. While it's not something to write home about, the experience has given me insight and a different way of looking at things. So something positive did come out of a very nasty habit I had formed because I stuck with it regardless of the side effects and potential health risks.

I began smoking at a late age. Never tired it as a youth surprisingly. It all started during the separation of my wife and I a few years back. The bitch of it is that, while the separation is no more and we are once again on the happy track maritally, the addiction still remains. It will linger with me for the rest of my life. A true testament to the power of nicotine and why you should avoid it at all costs.

I don't know if you have ever tried smoking or not. I certainly don't condone it and by all means don't go out and try it just to understand where I am coming from on this. Just use your imagination or substitute the appropriate experience to grasp the concept I am getting to. There are plenty of other parallels you can draw from this with plenty of other equally repulsive things.

When I took the first drag of that first cigarette, I thought I was gonna puke my guts out! It was so completely vile, I couldn't imagine ever wanting to take another drag. I gotta tell ya, it took a lot for me to ignore that initial experience and just keep on puffing away. But for some insane reason, that is exactly what I did. The same thing happened with drinking alcohol. But that's another story.

Within a matter of a week, I had totally acclimated my self to the taste and effects I was now dependent on. Smoking soon became second nature to me and my life revolved around the sweet rush and social pull of the very act itself. It permeated my every fiber, both in desire to do it and the pungent smell that comes with it's damaging side effects. What seemed an impossibility to me at one time in my life, had now become as second nature to me as breathing. All because I made ( for some god forsaken reason ) the conscious decision to push past the nastiness of it all and continue to indulge until it became what it became. A huge part of my life.

I still have smoking fits and bouts of nicotine fueled desires, but it is firmly in check. If I slip and take a drag, I know that I will get back on the non-smoking horse soon enough. It never lasts long enough to be what it was in the past. The cool thing about this "Duh!" moment was that, now whenever I think about not wanting to push myself to sweat, I will remember to always fight through the negativity and give in to what has now and will always be an addiction from here on out in my life. Just as I had found every reason and excuse to light up a smoke, I will try equally as hard to work that mentality into my new life of health and well being. An addiction I will happily deal with for the rest of my days. Take that RJ Reynolds!