I'm a Big Fat Mess

Well that does it! I officially have breasts! The gotta be close to an A cup when supported properly. Right now they just kinda spread and hang like they were 80 years old. To me this is disturbing, sad, repugnant, pathetic or any number of other adjectives that carry any kind of negative connotations. Just fill in the blank. Oh! Did I mention the line of site I used to have to my penis is gone.
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Now, it's easy to focus on the physical aesthetic (which is not pretty in broad daylight) but let's not forget about the health issues that come with being 352 pounds. I have high Cholesterol, high Blood Pressure, Edema in my legs and the worst case of Sleep Apnea my doctor has ever seen. So bad I have to use a machine to breathe at night so I don't die. Of course there is always the possibility of diabetes. Like the blog title indicates, I am a Big Fat Mess! It is time to do something about it.

The use of the term fat may seem offensive to some, but not to me. First off I am referring to myself, and no one else, as fat. Secondly, as you can tell already I don't really give a crap what other people think. I am fat. It is my fault. I am not gonna blame it on my mother, my brother, my dog or any other lame excuse I have concocted in the past to justify the sheer sloth and gluttony I have committed in my life. It is time to own up to the reality and point the finger where it firmly belongs, and that is right in my fat face.

Of course I have been here before. I have battled with food quite a bit over the last two decades. You could say that food is an addiction for me. One that I am determined to get under control with the support of my family and the virtual therapy of blogging. I have never blogged before or even written anything really. In addition to spelling and grammar mishaps,there may be a fair amount of TMI (too much information), but I am going to be honest. This is supposed to be therapeutic right? Aren't you supposed to be honest with your therapist when your lying on the couch, tissue clutched in hand blubbering about how your mother scarred you for life?

I have tried many times in the past (with much success) to lose weight. I know what to do. I did a lot of research and became a semi-expert with the whole thing. But aside from some pictures taken every 4 weeks or so, I never sat down and recorded my thoughts. This time around I want it to stick. I have been told that writing down your thoughts and feelings helps you to understand what may trigger over eating issues, blah, blah, blah. I get it. Since I didn't do it the last time I gained back a bunch of weight. Maybe this will be the difference in me actually changing things for good.

So...I promise to make an entry as often as I can. I promise to discuss my thoughts and feelings. I promise to be honest and not hold back. I promise to be myself and as entertaining as I can be. I promise to share all the things I learn throughout this journey.