One Fingered Salute!

There is a little diner, where I live, that has been around for over 75 years. This place is legendary in the area, not only for it's age but it's food too. It has changed owners several times after the original owner sold it nearly 20 years ago, and the new owners have definitely done a great job with the place.
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I meet them a few years ago when I was hired to help them with their marketing. I designed a logo based on the sign that had been planted on the side of the building three-quarters of a century ago. The whole campaign was centered around a tag line that has been around since the place opened in 1934 during the depression. "You don't need teeth to eat our meat". Yes, I had hit pay dirt with this tag line. Luckily they wanted to keep it and I went crazy with it. I designed t-shirts and other paraphernalia as well as wrote and produced a 30 second TV spot (deemed too raunchy to air on television). When we could not get TV stations to run it we posted it to you tube. I even wrote a jingle and starred in the spot.

Needless to say the owners are very cool and also very family oriented. Their menu items bare the names of various family members and close friends who have created their own versions of typical diner food. It is an honor to have an item on the menu with your name on it. An honor I have. My menu item is called "The Morning Drew". It is of my own concocting and has become a very popular item.

Over time we became very close and our business relationship turned personal. My family and I became an adopted part of theirs. With this adoption comes all the free food we can eat. Score! We took advantage of that to our detriment I am afraid. This is not a place you go to and eat healthy. The portion sizes are huge and everything is cooked with butter. The pancakes alone are 16" in diameter and over half an inch thick. Soooooooooooo good on your tongue not so good on your tonnage.

My gut began to grow steadily. We used to joke that I should wear a shirt that said "Body by Jim-Denny's". Not funny really when you think about it. Last thing I want to be is the poster child for obesity. It's bad enough I have to deal with being obese, could you imagine the looks I would get wearing that shirt? I get enough looks as it is. No thanks!

Now I have to tell you that this diner is tiny. It has only ten seats in it and they all line an ancient and crooked counter. The seats swivel on posts and are all various distances from the counters edge. Things got to the point where I could only sit in certain seats without cramming my belly against it.

Well this morning my daughter and I decided to pay a visit, say hi to the family and get some food. I have been feeling pretty confident about my new habits and felt like it would be good to test the waters. I needed to see just how far I had progressed with my ability to think on my feet in a place like this. It would be a test for sure. I considered it a challenge that I was up to taking.

We sat down and said our hellos, got some water and coffee for starters and then began to cruise the menu for our options. I designed the menus and have eaten just about everything on it, so it didn't take me long to figure out my choices were limited.

My daughters boyfriend (the owner's son) came to take our order and I prepared for a monumental milestone. Ordering something in this place that would not derail my new healthy lifestyle. He took her order first and then it was on to me. I ordered a half a lean ham steak, sauteed vegetables and two pieces of whole wheat toast dry. I stuck with the water and drank my coffee black.

All around me customers scarfed down the same yummy things I used to inhale. I will not lie, there was a pang of sadness in my gut and a ting of jealousy in the back of my tongue. But fear not my dear SPFs, I stood vigilant in my resolve to win the challenge I had given myself before I set foot on that hallowed ground.

We got our food after some chit chat and then began to eat. My taste buds had been beaten into submission a few weeks ago, so I could honestly say that as I ate I didn't miss the old ways one bit. The biggest difference was the fact that I was sitting in a stool that was notorious for nearly cutting off the circulation to my lower half when I sat in it. Not anymore!

As we were eating, my daughter looked over at my plate and said, "Dad, do you realize what you used to eat? What is that breakfast that is named after you? The Morning Drew right? What is in that thing?" She grabbed the menu and began to read off the ingredients. "One everything bagel (toasted), covered with cream cheese and topped with a full ham steak, two fired eggs and grilled onions. With your choice of hash browns or homestyle potatoes." The calorie count on that must be catastrophic! (If anyone is willing to figure that out I would be curious to know)

All I could say as she finished reading it was "My God! I've created a monster!" What had I done? I felt like Frankenstein. Like Frankenstein's monster, somethings should never be, and the Morning Drew should have stayed in my sinister and twisted, food addicted brain. But alas there was nothing I could do about it now. Did I mention it was one of the most popular breakfast items there?

We finished up and said our goodbyes. I walked out the door for the first time feeling satisfied and not like I wanted to puke because I ate too much. I had won! I faced that f@#!ing demon head on and waved a one fingered salute in its smug little face. I am sure that some of you have felt this kind of empowerment before and for those who have not, I gotta tell ya...it feels gooooooood! Real gooooood.

There is little I can do about unleashing the depravity that is the Morning Drew on an unsuspecting city. Let's just say that my penance is the fact that I have 125 pound of sin to lose. My metaphorical cross to bare. Forgiveness from myself for the damage I have done to my body will not come easy, but then, nothing that is worthwhile ever comes easy.

May you salute your demons with one fingered enthusiamsm!