Problem Child

When my children were growing up, my wife was a stay at home mom. Rather than pay for daycare, we decided to struggle like hell and then put our hard earned tax dollars to work by tossing our kids into the public school system when they were old enough. My kids are only slightly damaged from the experience, but no more than usual I suppose.
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My wife now works as a nanny for some good friends of ours and really loves her job. She was fortunate to get a kid that is sweet and cheerful for the most part. Not sure what store our friends bought him at, or how they managed to dodge the "Challenging Child" bullet either.

Much like our children, the Mrs. manages every aspect of this kids life from 9-5. Eating, dressing, entertaining, noggin developing and that ever important sleeping thing. She's kinda like this kid's part-time Mommy. I thought about our friends and how lucky they were to have someone like my wife as a surrogate. Our kids kick ass and my wife is 90 percent responsible for that.

Now, It's been a while since I have had to deal with taking care of kids. I kind of miss it in a crazy sorta where-the-hell'd-that come-from kinda way. Then I thought, well I may not have kids who need tending too, but I do have things in my life that I wish I had a nanny for. I guess you could call them kids in a way. They are things in my life that, like children, take a significant amount of work and patients to get a handle on. Each of them tests me in one way or another, pushing every button in the elevator on the way down to my last nerve.

Hank is my hefty little guy. His weight has been fluctuating for years, but I have managed to get him eating right and exercising thanks to SparkPeople. The Wii fit helps too. He loves that thing. And Ben is a money-grubbing rug-rat that is constantly asking for change because he's blown his allowance on useless garbage. Never thinks about what he needs or what he owes, just what he wants or doesn't have. Let's just say he hasn't quite learned how to live within his means.

Timmy is a sweet kid but can't seem to grasp the concept of time. He is always late for this or running behind for that. I thought about sending him to a Franklin Covey seminar. He would probably miss all the important stuff cause he was busy doing something that wasn't highest priority on the list. Timmy definitely needs some extra special attention. My biggest problem child though, is Dave. Dave is my pint sized ball of stress.

He is an unruly hellion that tests my patients more than my non-hypothetical children ever did. Dave does not give a flying fling about the fact he makes my life a pit of torment and anguish. He is the biggest reason I am on this web site bearing my soul and why we needed weight loss intervention for Hank. That little fart, is single handedly responsible for Hank becoming the fat kid at school. My worst nightmare really. A temperamental tyke that just makes me want to throw in the towel with every tantrum.

I try to discipline him, but to no avail. Time-outs work about as well as bringing a knife to a gun fight. I put an ad in the local Penny Saver looking for quality help, but It seems that no matter how bad the economy is, nobody wants to take care of somebody else's problems. Nope! The burden of dealing with Dave rests squarely on my shoulders. So I have decided to employ some of the techniques I used on my flesh and blood children to get him to cut me a little slack.

First thing I do, is make sure to keep all the kids out of each others faces as much as possible. While Dave is Hank's biggest nemesis, Timmy and Ben have a profound effect on Dave's mood. They like to gang up on Dave and I have to constantly send them to their rooms and deal with them one by one. Sometimes I have to assess which one is aggravating him more and then deal with them accordingly. Keeping Timmy and Ben focused on themselves, reduces the ration of crap Dave dishes out to me.

My second strategy to a kinder, gentler life, is making sure they pick up their things and do their chores. I have noticed that Dave doesn't like a lot of things out of sorts. The therapist says it's not necessarily OCD, just a healthy need for order. Routine seems to really help keep Dave from acting up. So I make sure that the mess in the house is kept to a minimum and all the toys are put away when play time is over.

The Third, and probably key factor to keeping him from getting out of hand, is exercise. I always take Dave to the gym with me and toss him on a treadmill for 30 minutes or so. Let me tell you, there is something about working up a sweat that makes that little nose miner super mellow. Before I discovered that nifty trick, getting him to unwind would require a bottle of wine, some Del Taco and a Cheesecake. Not the best way to react.

And last but not least, taking a break from the brats is essential to maintaining my sanity. I gotta have a happy place to shut 'em out and have a little me time. Just a place to put things on hold so that I can rest my weary mind and get myself ready for another round.

I do want to make it clear that I have no plans in the near future to give Dave up for adoption. First off, who would want him. Everybody has their own Dave to deal with. I think everybody NEEDS their own Dave, personally. Without him, we would have no urgency to move forward. The need to constantly adapt to his next move is what helps us to deal with the big events in life that can seem to make all the other stresses we go through like child's play. I have figured out that, not letting things go to far and having a plan to tighten the reigns when needed are Crucial steps to keeping yourself from making abusive choices whenever the Dave in your life decides to put your parenting skills to the test.