Time Line of Tubbiness

Some follically challenged men will try to deny their genetic make up with comb overs and "Hair In a Can". While I had accepted my hair loss, I would deny my ever increasing frame and continue to wear clothes that were way too small. Like clueless, white trash fat chicks, cruising the local mall in belly shirts, I would stuff myself into clothes that made me look like the Michelin man. I never wanted to admit that I was out of control.
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The denial game for me became a brutal display of agony. The rules of the game are to cram your ass into jeans that are 3 sizes to tight. You suck in your gut until you could sit somewhere out of public view and unbutton your pants to regain circulation to all your appendages. Bending over to tie your shoes without passing out is like an extra point on the score board. Let me tell you, as players in any game go, I was a freakin' pro. I finally got sick of playing the denial game and decided to bench any thoughts about actually losing the weight. Once I stopped playing and just went with the flow, every 20 pound gain it became apparent that it was time to super size things.

Since I have lost a substantial amount of weight I am now starting to think about buying new clothes. I really hate to do that because I am gonna be losing more weight and I will just end up having to buy smaller clothes. The unfortunate thing is, I got rid of some things that would have fit me right about now. I am kicking my self, in my ever shrinking ass, for giving up on myself and not keeping them!

About 6 months ago I tossed all my old clothes from when I was thinner. I was tired of holding onto them with the vauge hope of ever fitting into them again. Like Indiana Jones on an archeological expedition, I found a time line of tubbiness as I dug through the layers of misguided fashion statements. I could not bare the thought of another layer being added to the terra firma of fabric in the bottom of my closet. My devolution could be traced in inseams and waist sizes rather than years. I could just imagine the time line breakdown and anthropological analysis in the expedition leaders journals.

(Note: The first Number indicates waist size. the second Number indicates Inseam. PS stands for pant size)

Individuales (in-d-vid-jew-al-s) Period: Circa 32-31 P.S.

An era marked with turbulence and the struggle for identity. The discovery of Leopard Skin Creepers and an Army Parka displaying a large Union Jack on the back, indicates a cross cultural influence. Other artifacts cataloged by the team include; two pairs of pegged pants (black and denim), Clarke's Desert boots, Turtle Neck Sweaters, Fred Perry Polo Shirts (Various Colors) and one can of Super Hold Aqua Net hairspray and Black Ray Ban Sunglasses.


Stressitatious (stress-e-tay-see-us) Period: Circa 38-31 P.S.

This period shows a rapid increase in physical size and a tendency towards more comfortable type vestments. The introduction of cranial wear suggests a rapid loss in hair along with an expanding waist line. An assortment of T-Shirts and Hooded Sweat Shirts emblazoned with skateboard and surf logos seemed to dominate the wardrobe in this period. The team also noticed the presence of what looked like formula and spit-up stains. This would indicate the presence of a baby. This may point to a more sedentary lifestyle. Another factor in addition to the stress of being a new parent, that may have contributed to the larger clothing. Loose Fit jeans, a leather motorcycle jacket, flannel shirts and the addition of Doc Martin's point to, what was referred to in the 90's as a "Grunge" influence. It was apparent our Un-Sub (Unknown Subject) also had misguided delusions of rockstardome.


Bikertarratious (biker-tear-rat-tea-us) Period: Circa 44-31

At this point on the time line there was a radical shift in outerwear. Based on the rate of expansion, style of clothing and the discovery of an assortment of Skull and Iron Cross rings (along with various other pieces of decorative hardware); the subject had crossed over into a complete reconstruction of their image. They appear to have been a Biker of some kind. There seems to be no evidence of a two wheeled transportation device though. The team's hypothesis is, that the fashion choice was decided upon out of necessity. The Un-Sub must have justified his ever increasing size and apparently "Scary" look. He seemed to be adapting to what others at the time may have perceived him to be. The presence of facial hair and absence of cranial follicles indicates the Un-Sub must have looked pretty bad ass. The presence of tattoo magazines supports this theory.


Settleitacious (set-ul-a-tay-shus) Period: Circa 48-31 P.S.

From observing the sheer lack of color and variety in this particular time frame, it would suggest that the Un-Sub had settled for being, what appears to be, mammoth! Like a true cartoon character it appears they wore the same thing everyday. The only aspects to consider to this wardrobe are dark Blue and Black, Triple Extra Large work shirts and two pairs of shorts in Tan and Army Green. Like some sort of uniform. Due to the sliming nature of the clothing, that the team has dubbed this phenomena the "Male Moo Moo", minus the bright colors and loud patterns of traditional female type Moo Moos. Curiously...This is where the time line ends.


It's kind of strange summing up me expansion like that but appropriate. Whenever I go to a thrift store and see the clothing that hangs from the racks, I always wonder "What the hell were these people thinking!"

All kidding aside though, having to buy new clothes is a good problem to have. I really need to get new shorts at least. They are bunching up around my belt like a Hillbilly with a rope tide around his waist. So I will tackle that problem this weekend and just be happy I am not super sizing anything anymore. I am really looking forward to seeing what will look good on me when I am at my goal. Although my reasons for getting healthy are far from vain, I must admit that the possibilities of a new lease on my fashion life are great motivation to keep pushing forward and never surrendering.

Maybe I will start getting checked out by women instead of big hairy leather clad gay men. That would be a treat.